What Does Shame Have To Do With Your Self Esteem?
Unhealthy vs Healthy Shame
Unhealthy shame, often learned in childhood and carried over into adulthood, is one of the main factors in our codependencies, addictions, compulsions and drive to overachieve. While positive shame empowers you and maintains the basis of a functioning social system, toxic or misdirected shame results in the disintegration of our self-esteem.
On its own, shame is not bad. Shame is a natural human emotion that actually distinguishes us from all other animals. Shame tells you your limits. It helps you keep your boundaries, make better decisions and lets you know when you make mistakes. Some even consider it a major source of human spirituality.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, is debilitating and secretive. If someone feels that their true self is defective, their instinct is to develop a false self, an inauthentic self. They don’t want anyone to see who they “really are”. It’s easy to understand why this type of toxic shame is at the core of psychological distress. Self-doubt, loneliness, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, inadequacy and failure are just some of the conditions that result from shame.
Refusing to accept your “real self” you try to create a more powerful false self to hide your sense of being flawed or defective. This secrecy is at the core of a lot of human suffering. It’s almost impossible to offer yourself to those you care about when you don’t know who you really are.
“Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for happiness and the love of others”. John Bradshaw “Healing the Shame the Binds You” 1988.
When Does Shame Develop?
You need to know that you can trust people from the very beginning. The world is introduced to us by our primary caregivers. If we had a caregiver who was fairly predictable, we developed a sense of basic trust. When this is present and we feel secure, we begin to develop a sense of self that is crucial for the development of self-worth. We can only develop a sense of self through our relationships with other people. You can see how the possibility of toxic shame begins with these source relationships.
If your primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their shame onto you. Toxic shame is passed down through generations and shame-based people often find other shame-based people and get married and or have children. This can lead to a lack of intimacy and vulnerability. It’s hard to let people be close to you if you feel broken or expendable in some way. When a child is born to shame-based parents, it’s a rough start from the get-go. A parent’s job is to model healthy behavior and this includes how to be a partner, express feelings, fight fairly, compromise, listen empathically, communicate, have boundaries, cope, survive, be self-disciplined and how to love one self and others. Shame-based parents can not do any of these because they don’t know how.
“Dysfunctional Family Rules”
If you’re wondering whether you grew up in a shaming environment, taking a look at John Bradshaw’s “Dysfunctional Family Rules” may help. I’ve summarized the most common rules I’ve seen show up with my clients over the past several years.
Control or Chaos. One must be in control of all feelings and behaviors at all times. Control is the major defense strategy. It is not uncommon for parents to be dishonest, addicted or dramatic. As a child you experience the chaos of this. You may learn how to keep secrets.
Blame. Whenever anything goes wrong or things don’t turned out as planned, someone has to be blamed. It is either yourself or others.
The “No-Talk” Rule. This rule prohibits expressing any true feelings or emotions, needs and wants. This makes it very difficult for one to share if they are lonely or scared.
The “No-Listen” Rule. Everyone is busy defending themselves that no-one is actually listening.
Perfectionism. Always do everything right. The fear and avoidance of the negative is a core component of life in this family. You live according to an externalized image of perfection. No one is ever good enough.
Unreliabilty. Don’t trust or rely on anyone ever and you will never be disappointed.
Don’t Make Mistakes. Mistakes or for people who are flawed. Cover up your mistakes at all costs.
Don’t Trust. Since no one feels validated or listened to, no one develops trust. There is always a sense of unpredictability and unreliability. It becomes difficult trust one’s self.
If our upbringing largely determines what we believe about ourselves and relationships how do we change paths, reroute? Is it possible? Short answer, yes.
To Heal Toxic Shame, One Must Expose It.
As long as your shame is kept in secret, there is nothing you can do about it. In order to change this, you must embrace it, accept it for what it is and transform it into something healthy. It’s not easy to do, but it is the way to heal. Because shame is such an uncomfortable experience, it is often avoided-and when you continue to avoid it, it only gets worse. To feel better, shame must be exposed.
The first step in healing toxic shame is to find an intimate non-shaming person or social group. Because toxicity is so private, it is important to feel safe. Sharing your shame with another person will help you learn that you were actually wrong about yourself. When you trust someone else and feel their acceptance, you begin to change the beliefs about yourself. You learn that you are not defective, but lovable as you are.
Other Steps for Reducing Shame.
- Seeing yourself reflected through the eyes of a non-shaming person.
- Legitimizing any early trauma. What you feel/felt is valid.
- Making the decision to accept yourself. Embracing imperfection.
- Externalizing memories of the past and learning how to grow and heal from them.
- Becoming mindful of your negative thoughts about who you are.
- Being helpful to others who are struggling.
- Offering empathy.
- Learning how to handle criticism from shaming people. Deflecting it.
- Learning that it is okay to make mistakes.
- Meditation
Self-acceptance is critical in regaining your personal power. You can begin to trust the decisions you make, stop second-guessing yourself, and feel a more unified sense of belonging. Your self-esteem can be re-built and it becomes possible to feel comfortable truly revealing who you are.
If you feel that your sense of self may have been negatively impacted by a history of shame, therapy can help.
Begin Self-Esteem Treatment in Colorado Today
I hope these insights are helpful to you. Self-esteem therapy can help you experience true self-confidence. If you’re ready to do the work, give me a call. I’d be honored to help you. Online therapy can help you feel good again. My Colorado counseling specializes in self-esteem treatment. To start your online therapy journey, whether in my Denver office or online anywhere in Colorado, follow these simple steps:
Begin learning skills to build self-esteem
Other Mental Health Services at Empathic Counseling and Psychotherapy
I provide effective online therapy anywhere in Colorado or at my Denver counseling practice. I can help with substance abuse, Asperger’s disorder and relationships. I specialize in working with adults who are looking to find freedom from their struggles. If you are ready to experience relief, I am here to help you!